If you are a pastor, pastor’s wife, or a pastor’s child, you know all too well that your life is lived in the public square, regardless of your church’s location and size. A pastor and his family live in the fish bowl in megachurches and churches of a couple dozen. Far too often, with good intentions, questions about our private lives become apparent to parishioners who love us. My family and I know this story all too well.
Suffering as a Pastor in the Local Church
In May of 2018, Ezra James Milks was born stillborn. In May 2019, Selah Evangeline Milks was born as a late-term miscarriage. In August 2022, Brielle Evangeline Milks was born stillborn. Then, from February 2023 to May 2026, three of our family members were diagnosed with some type of autoimmune disease. When I think about these last 8 years, the word “suffering” comes to mind fairly often. A season of deaths and diseases.
I never thought about being a public figure until Selah’s death. Upon her passing, our Executive Pastor called to check in on us. He was loving and caring. To this day, I communicate with him often. As part of this conversation, he asked how I wanted to inform the congregation of Selah’s passing: “You are a public person in the church, and they will want to know what has happened.” In a moment, I was forced to reckon with the reality that my family’s suffering would be public once again. Eyes were on us, and how we would experience another death.
Rural churches tend to be smaller and often function like a family. People have known one another for decades, if not their entire lives. Ministry tends to be more fluid and organic in these settings. Relationships are forged through conversations, meals, and interactions before and after public worship. Through these avenues, we get the incredible opportunity to lead our people in our trials and tribulations.
Leading in the Darkness
Psalm 88, written by the sons of Korah, is meant to be sung as a lament. This psalm is the only psalm of lament that offers no hope at the end. Many of the psalms of lament provide some type of “good news” towards the end: the Lord is my salvation, God will deliver me, or the Lord is my strength. However, you will not find that in Psalm 88. Instead, the psalm ends literally with darkness. Sometimes, we lead in this experiential darkness. Christ seems distant as life’s calamities have overwhelmed our hearts. We barely feel as if we can get out of bed, let alone lead a service pointing people to the all-sufficient love of our Lord and Savior. Thus, we ask: How can we lead the Church amid our own suffering or deep despair?
First, our public suffering is a constant reminder to the church that our only hope in life and death is Jesus Christ. Psalm 61 is another psalm of lament. This psalm uses vivid language to remind us that God is our only refuge in this world. David’s heart is faint. Though faint-hearted, he can say to the Lord in Psalm 61:2, “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” David’s cry is a petition for safety and security. He instinctively understands that nothing within can conquer that which threatens him. He doesn’t look inward and say, David, it’s tough, but pull up your boots and try harder. There is no hint of that here. This is a cry to God, for only He can help him. His plea is to the rock where safety can be found.
For us, in times of suffering, we boldly declare, “Lord, lead me to the rock that is Christ!” Where do the faint-hearted find security, safety, and comfort in the midst of the storm? In Christ alone. Though the winds blow, the rains come down in sheets, and the waves crash over our heads, the steady anchor cannot be moved. Our boats are tossed to and fro in the midst of the squall, but they are held by the Anchor in the divine throne room, and He will hold us through the greatest of hurricanes and typhoons. We are held safe in His hands. This is the message the church needs to hear amid our sufferings: Christ is good, and He alone sustains us.
Second, our public suffering becomes the means by which people see the inner work of the Holy Spirit made visible. As Matthew Henry, the great Puritan pastor, once quipped: “Many are taught with the briars and thorns of affliction that would not learn otherwise.” How often Christlikeness comes upon our souls during seasons of affliction.
Our family visited the church where I served as an Associate Pastor. We were on vacation and wanted to visit our friends. I spoke with an elder during that visit, and towards the end of the conversation, he said, “Brad, you are a lot less arrogant than you used to be.” (Note that pride has not been eradicated!) That sentence did not feel good… at all. Yet, as I thought about what he said, I was reminded of all that the Holy Spirit had done in my heart, all while I sat in the cistern of despair. Since we regularly interact with people, they see the fruits of our hearts. One of my besetting sins is that of pride. This elder saw that fruit in my life for years. Then, after 18 months of being away, he saw the Lord’s work in my heart regarding this sin. In dealing with loss and disease, the Lord began to strip away pride. In loving grace, He took the scalpel and cut cancerous cells from my soul. The internal work the Lord was doing in my heart was becoming visible to those who knew me well. The same is true for all pastors who suffer. As the Lord, in divine providence, works on our hearts during seasons of suffering, the family of God begins to see the changes that have taken place. Your suffering will be public; let your sanctification be public as well.
Third, it is often said that the church takes on the personality of the pastor. Our suffering provides an example to our members of how they should suffer. Children take on the positive and negative characteristics of their parents. Likewise, a church takes on the positive and negative characteristics of its elders. Our lives, as pastors and elders, are meant to be an example to the flock (1 Peter 5:3). How we process sufferings matters to the life of the church. If we are prone to complaining, grumbling, and anger, so too will the church be prone to those sins in suffering. However, if we suffer with patience, kindness, and gentleness, knowing that the Father perfectly loves us, so too will the church see the wonderful hand of God in their sufferings. This does not mean we ignore the difficulties of death, disease, trials, and tribulations, but they must all be held within a God-centered framework, with the understanding that He is working all things for His glory and our good.
Fourth, pastors, find good resources to help you in your suffering. A few that I would recommend: Suffering: Gospel Hope When Life Doesn’t Make Sense by Paul David Tripp and Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament by Mark Vroegop. Furthermore, seek the assistance of a Christian counselor, or fellow pastor or elder. Far too often, we bear the sufferings of ourselves and others, but have no outlet to process our own spiritual and emotional state.
Weakness Is the Way
In early 2025, I began to experience some symptoms that I chalked up to stress and getting older… Annoying, but not overly concerning. By May 2025, it was clear something more significant was occurring. After a doctor’s visit and a procedure, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease: Ulcerative Colitis.
The Lord, in His providential grace and mercy, has given me this crook in my lot, as Thomas Boston would say, to wean me off this world, point my eyes over and over again to Jesus, and prepare me for eternity. As J.I. Packer once wrote, “Weakness is the way.” Life is full of trials and tribulations, reminding us of our weakness and frailty. Yet, in our fragility, Christ’s strength is perfect. He is the Good Shepherd who leads us homeward, even when we limp along. Through all the storms, Christ holds us fast. Let us be undershepherds who lovingly show God’s grace in our sufferings to our congregations, and ultimately point them to Christ Jesus. For suffering is a gift from God to us, and to our churches.
Brad Milks is the pastor of First Presbyterian Church. He lives with his wife and four children in Eden, North Carolina. Brad graduated from Liberty University with a Bachelor's in Biblical Studies, a Master of Arts in Church Planting, a Master of Divinity, and a Doctorate of Ministry in Church Planting. Brad’s sermons can be found on his podcast, Exposing the Bible. In his spare time, he loves spending time with his family, reading theology, and watching hockey.
